From Trauma to Testimony

MY TRAUMA:

November 6, 2019. A Wednesday. Nothing too out of the ordinary, but I was texting a new guy! He seemed nice and we clicked - you know the kind you can talk to and the conversation easily flows? We were different in some ways, but we had a good vibe going. So, we talked and we got to know each other through off and on conversation.

I never felt off talking to him; everything seemed normal. He shared some things that would indicate he has had a hard life... but seemed fairly normal. We scheduled a date for Friday, but then after talking on the phone that evening, we decided we wanted to meet before that. We just seemed to really get along and I wanted to get to know him more and talk in person.

I invited him over. When he came in, he met my roommate and her friend; he seemed polite and even helped us fix a closet door in our spare room. After chatting with them for a few minutes, they went off to watch a movie and he and I continued getting to know each other. He knew and I knew, my only intention that night was to get to know him better and maybe we would watch a movie if it wasn't too late. 

It started out simple. We talked and laughed. I felt nervous off and on - looking back now I think that was something I should’ve paid closer attention to, but I just thought it was those “first meeting” nerves. He wanted to go for a walk, but it was dark and cold and to be honest, that just didn’t seem like a smart idea, so I declined… a few times actually.

Eventually, while talking, he asked if he could hold my hand; I said yes. 

We talked a while longer and he asked if he could kiss me; I said yes, but I was a little on the fence and didn’t know if that was the best answer, I also wasn't sure how to answer because I felt awkward (yeah, I'll work on that). But, every answer after that kiss, was no… and guess what? He didn’t listen. 

I’ll spare you the gory details, mainly for my own PTSD sake and the knowledge that if I don’t want to relive it, none of you need to know it. But, fast forward about ten minutes from this point… I had said no twice to moving things further; both times, he stopped, but only for 30 seconds or less. His self-control was totally gone. And then, I entered into freeze mode (what my counselor talks about as the third response next to fight or flight… and the one that no one talks much about). 

I couldn’t yell for help to my roommate who was only down the hall. I couldn’t fight him because I felt paralyzed. I did manage to push him a few times, but that was all I could get out. 

Now fast forward two hours later, when I closed my front door to the back of the man who had just sexually, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually assaulted me.

I went back to my room and began tearing my bed apart because I thought that would help it go away. And then I did something I haven’t ever done before in major personal trauma. 

In previous times, I would find myself crying in a dark room trying to shut the rest of the world out. I didn’t want help, support, or any people around me. I wanted to be alone. 

But this time, I did three things that ultimately saved me from darkness. 

1. I PRAYED! I told Heavenly Father how sorry I was… (because at this point, I felt like it was my fault or that I did something to cause all of this. But I know now, I DIDN’T. I said no MANY times). But, I regardless of why I was praying, I still chose to pray! I opened the door for communication with Him - the one Being who knows me best. 
2. I called one of my closest friends. Someone I trust with my life. And I told him. I TOLD HIM. I opened my mouth and told someone; a totally new concept for me in trauma. It was one in the morning and he took the time to listen and to offer some really good advice. Get yourselves a friend like that; they are, at times, the hardest to find but they are the most precious to hold on to.
3. I reported the incident to someone who could actually help. I called the police in the early morning and they sent an officer to talk to me. Then later I met with a detective and later a counselor.

THESE ARE VALUABLE STEPS. This is where my journey from trauma to testimony, began. You know why? Because for whatever reason, I made a decision that night to open those doors and to not let this be the thing that ruins my life. I CHOSE to let the ever-so-painful process of healing, begin. Because that guy, who in a few hours took so much from me, WOULD NOT get to keep any of it. It’s MY life, NOT his.

The process was not, has not been, and is not easy. This is one of the hardest things I have had to try to figure out how to live and work through. I don't like going to counseling because I have to talk about it and heal every piece; I don’t like meeting with detectives and other officials because part of me is still having a hard time accepting everything that happened, and it is SO UNCOMFORTABLE. 

MY TESTIMONY:

But then I’m reminded who walks beside me. 

My Savior - who suffered everything for me and knows perfectly what I’m facing. He went through unfathomable pain so He could understand me and save me.

My Father in Heaven - who anxiously waits for me to pray and talk to Him so He can help heal me.

My family - who loves me and who wants the best for me.

My friends - who have always rallied around me, but do so even more now; their love is felt.

My co-workers - who have been and are more supportive than I ever dreamed co-workers could be; their love, I can also feel.

My “support team” - like my counselor and the detective on my case. Their training and professional life are helping me heal in ways that I otherwise could not.

GRATEFUL. 

A total understatement, but it’s the best description I have.

MY PRAYER, HOPE, AND INVITATION:
    I don’t share this for people to feel bad for me or for sympathy of any kind. I’m sharing my story because I’ve been told there’s power in that; of all people, I should understand that. I’ve always been really fascinated with people’s stories. 

    While serving a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in Oklahoma, that was one of my favorite questions to ask people, “so, what’s your story?” 

    EVERY person on the planet, no matter their age, race, gender, religious background, culture, etc., HAS A STORY and probably more than one! EVERY PERSON. All 7.7 billion people on this planet have a story. Think about that. Think about the magnitude of emotion, wisdom, trauma, joy, and experience that is! 

    It would take several lifetimes to get through all of our stories; but we all have a tribe of loved ones we can start with. From there, we can reach beyond that. There are people who we meet in transit, people who we see at the grocery store, strangers, neighbors, SO MANY PEOPLE. 

TAKE THE DANG TIME. 

    God sent us here to meet each other, to love each other, to teach each other and learn from each other. He sent us to grow, to change, to expand our knowledge. He sent us to live, to love, to experience, to feel, to think, to create, to breathe, to seek, to be. He didn’t want us to have life-changing experiences and never share them. He doesn’t want us to sit back and watch as other people struggle too. He wants us to reach out, to lift, to encourage, to relate, to CONNECT. 

WHAT IS YOUR TRAUMA TO TESTIMONY?

   Trauma to me is any event or experience that you go through, that disturbs your heart, mind, and/or soul. It’s emotional shock and/or pain. You may have a different definition, and that is okay! I want to know what it is; share it with me!

   Testimony to me is a statement that holds personal truth and power. It’s a statement of belief and knowledge based on your experience. Now, you can take this in a religious aspect (which for me is quite literally what brought me through my experience) or you can take it more general. A testimony is what gives you the strength to keep going; it’s what you know to be true because of what you’ve been through! 

   So this is it, trauma to testimony. Take whatever situation or trauma you have been given, no matter how “big” or how “small” it is, and turn it into a testimony.

GROW. GET STRONGER. SHARE. INVITE. CONNECT.

I’m inviting all of you to share your experiences with others as you feel prompted to do so. If you need or want someone to talk to, I'm here. You can message me on social media or click my email in the contact button!

Your stories are inspiring! You can share them and in the process help others to find their own strength to walk their personal path from 

TRAUMA TO TESTIMONY. 

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TODAY: NOVEMBER 6, 2020

    The thing is, I wrote this post a little less than a year ago. But, today is one year since enduring a trial I never thought I would. Today is one year since the last things I said in-person to that person was my testimony of my Savior. I KNOW the Holy Ghost was holding onto me as I looked at this guy and I told him that he could say or do anything to me, but he will have to answer to someone far more powerful and that it will not make me believe anything other than what I do. I told him I love my Savior and I know that I'm a part of His true gospel and that He loves me too. I bore my testimony with tears and words that did not come from my own strength. I don't know why that's what came from my mouth, but I'm grateful every single day that is was. 

    I'm blessed enough to have a Heavenly Father that listened when a few weeks after this trauma, I told Him that He was now in charge of my dating life because I couldn't do it anymore. He sent me the most loving, caring, beautiful soul to walk through the rest of eternity with! Troy lets me cry when flashbacks come. He holds me and reassures me that everything will be okay and tells me that he loves me and I know he means it. I'm so blessed to have a husband that is so patient with the pain I'm still working through and that he is now working through with me. 

    

    The Lord has blessed me with more than I could have ever dreamed and I know He loves me. I'm grateful to be here. I'm grateful that Heavenly Father can't take away all of our storms but that He comes to our aid during them; because if He only showed us the sunshine, we'd never be grateful for the warmth and beauty it brings and we'd never seek for it when it's gone.