When I was eleven years old my parents decided to get a divorce, this was really hard on me. I knew they had been having problems but I didn't know anyone my age with parents that were divorced. I hated this. I became a very bitter person. Most anyone who knew me from eleven to fifteen would probably tell you that.
I was a brat, I didn't have goals in life, I was miserable and worst of all... it was fault of my own that I was this way. I held a grudge on both of my parents for the divorce and I made some pretty lousy decisions. I never turned to drugs or alcohol, but I did attempt to take my own life when I was twelve. Thankfully, it was not anywhere near a success. As mad as I was at my parents and my sister during this time, I look back now with more gratitude than I can ever explain.
During the years of eleven to fifteen my parents divorced, I lost my little cousin to cancer, and I lost my two great-grandmothers. Instead of learning from these difficult trials, I let my negativity get the better of me. I quit putting those who loved me most first, I didn't care about much, I was very selfish, I lost out on a lot of opportunities because of my behaviors. However, the worst thing I did was let myself quit attending church and studying the scriptures. I fell away from the most important thing in life, my Father in Heaven.
I fell away from the church for two main reasons; one, I had very uncalled for things said to me when my parents were divorced by members in the church and two, I let Satan convince me that I didn't need church in my life. I never quit believing in God, not once, but I didn't care to learn about the church or the Gospel. Admitting this to myself was actually one of the hardest things I've had to do in my life. When you realize you are without the Gospel in your life, you hurt. A weird but very true analogy I want to use is this: when you have a case on your phone, it is protected. As most of us have probably experienced, THE DAY you take the case of, something tends to happen to your phone either it breaks or gets scratched or you drop it. The Gospel is just the same. It keeps us protected from harm and hurt but THE DAY we stray from it and choose not to have it in our lives, we will feel pain and we will fall.
When I was fifteen, I went to high school and I was able to associate myself with friends who were members of the church, which helped me in ways to work toward coming back to the church. Believe it or not, friends have one of the GREATEST impacts on your life decisions. Don't get me wrong, I had some amazing friends in Jr. High, but they were not active in the church and that was just another door for me to walk away. Even though in high school I was able to find these really great friends, I still had an "I don't care" attitude about going to church or learning more about the Gospel.
When I turned 18, my heart felt very incomplete. It wasn't really until I graduated high school that I started to realize how much I needed the Holy Spirit back in my life. After graduation, a lot of my friends started to head their own ways and I was blessed enough to spend my summer with Elijah for the most part. Even though he doesn't like to take any credit for my change of heart, he was the biggest impact. There's a good reason he's a missionary out in the field. He does it well.
About two weeks before I moved to Price for school, I started to make plans to really attend church, to pray and to study the scriptures. These were all things I had not done for so long and I was scared, honestly I still kind of am. I decided to make a promise to myself that even if I started with small goals, I was going to come unto God again and gain the peace I really needed. As I made a promise to myself, I also made one to Elijah. I promised him that I would attend church at least twice a month and see how I started to feel, obviously you can't let your best friend down!
I moved to Price and a week later, attended my first Sunday of church. Even though it was the singles ward and it was FAR too quiet... (where the heck are all the screaming children?! haha) it was such a great feeling. I KNEW that I needed to be there. I felt peace in my heart throughout the rest of the week and I was EXCITED to go to church the next week. My roommate Catherine and I decided to attend the family ward the following Sunday and we really enjoyed it! We kind of just church hop now, switching from singles ward to family ward but that's okay!
One of the things I have learned is that when you go to church for yourself, it means so much more. When you live at home you aren't always going for yourself, sometimes it's for your parents or because your Bishop says you should. However, since I have been choosing to go for myself, I have felt so good! There is peace in my heart and happiness in my eyes. I can't help but feel good inside and know the love that my Heavenly Father has for me is true.
I have set goals for myself to help myself grow as an individual and to help my testimony become stronger each day. When you can really feel your Savior's love, you know what you're doing is right. I challenged myself to finish the Book of Mormon by Christmas Day and I challenged myself to remember to pray morning and night. Being able to set these goals and have a desire to follow through is such a good feeling. I know there is such a difference in my life and in myself because I have chosen to come back to the right path. I am not the same person I was just a few years ago, I have real happiness, real friends, real love, real truth, a real testimony of God and the church, etc.
I am really so proud of who I am becoming and the things I am making of myself. I am loving every minute of college because I know the Lord's hand in my success. He knows my struggles and He knows when I need an extra boost. He provides pathways for me to continue doing good. Although, God isn't going to drop all the answers to everything into my head, he is going to help me and give me strength to work hard and create my own success. For that I am so incredibly grateful!
For seven years, I have been inactive. I have made the choice to come back to the church and into the arms of my Heavenly Father and it has never felt better. I want all of you to know how grateful I am for a church that is so true. In the last email I received from Elder Konchar (Elijah), he said something that really made me feel so great! He said, "Remember that two people can do anything as long as one of them is God." This gives me such great comfort to know that we can achieve our goals as long as we hold our belief in God and are not ashamed of it. As long as we continue to pray, study and believe, God will always protect and help us no matter what the situation is!
Continue to make good choices in your lives, continue to love your Heavenly Father, continue to surround yourself with good friends and family and continue to let yourself feel the Spirit and I promise you will have eternal happiness. Life may get rough, it might knock you down, but if I have learned anything, it was how selfish it was for me to put myself before God. How ungrateful it was for me to say that my life was too hard to go to church and that I didn't need to go to church. The Lord asks us for one day a week and for all that He has given us, we owe that much to Him and to ourselves. God is where we can find the peace and happiness we are looking for and the truth, is in God.
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