From Trauma to Testimony

MY TRAUMA:

November 6, 2019. A Wednesday. Nothing too out of the ordinary, but I was texting a new guy! He seemed nice and we clicked - you know the kind you can talk to and the conversation easily flows? We were different in some ways, but we had a good vibe going. So, we talked and we got to know each other through off and on conversation.

I never felt off talking to him; everything seemed normal. He shared some things that would indicate he has had a hard life... but seemed fairly normal. We scheduled a date for Friday, but then after talking on the phone that evening, we decided we wanted to meet before that. We just seemed to really get along and I wanted to get to know him more and talk in person.

I invited him over. When he came in, he met my roommate and her friend; he seemed polite and even helped us fix a closet door in our spare room. After chatting with them for a few minutes, they went off to watch a movie and he and I continued getting to know each other. He knew and I knew, my only intention that night was to get to know him better and maybe we would watch a movie if it wasn't too late. 

It started out simple. We talked and laughed. I felt nervous off and on - looking back now I think that was something I should’ve paid closer attention to, but I just thought it was those “first meeting” nerves. He wanted to go for a walk, but it was dark and cold and to be honest, that just didn’t seem like a smart idea, so I declined… a few times actually.

Eventually, while talking, he asked if he could hold my hand; I said yes. 

We talked a while longer and he asked if he could kiss me; I said yes, but I was a little on the fence and didn’t know if that was the best answer, I also wasn't sure how to answer because I felt awkward (yeah, I'll work on that). But, every answer after that kiss, was no… and guess what? He didn’t listen. 

I’ll spare you the gory details, mainly for my own PTSD sake and the knowledge that if I don’t want to relive it, none of you need to know it. But, fast forward about ten minutes from this point… I had said no twice to moving things further; both times, he stopped, but only for 30 seconds or less. His self-control was totally gone. And then, I entered into freeze mode (what my counselor talks about as the third response next to fight or flight… and the one that no one talks much about). 

I couldn’t yell for help to my roommate who was only down the hall. I couldn’t fight him because I felt paralyzed. I did manage to push him a few times, but that was all I could get out. 

Now fast forward two hours later, when I closed my front door to the back of the man who had just sexually, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually assaulted me.

I went back to my room and began tearing my bed apart because I thought that would help it go away. And then I did something I haven’t ever done before in major personal trauma. 

In previous times, I would find myself crying in a dark room trying to shut the rest of the world out. I didn’t want help, support, or any people around me. I wanted to be alone. 

But this time, I did three things that ultimately saved me from darkness. 

1. I PRAYED! I told Heavenly Father how sorry I was… (because at this point, I felt like it was my fault or that I did something to cause all of this. But I know now, I DIDN’T. I said no MANY times). But, I regardless of why I was praying, I still chose to pray! I opened the door for communication with Him - the one Being who knows me best. 
2. I called one of my closest friends. Someone I trust with my life. And I told him. I TOLD HIM. I opened my mouth and told someone; a totally new concept for me in trauma. It was one in the morning and he took the time to listen and to offer some really good advice. Get yourselves a friend like that; they are, at times, the hardest to find but they are the most precious to hold on to.
3. I reported the incident to someone who could actually help. I called the police in the early morning and they sent an officer to talk to me. Then later I met with a detective and later a counselor.

THESE ARE VALUABLE STEPS. This is where my journey from trauma to testimony, began. You know why? Because for whatever reason, I made a decision that night to open those doors and to not let this be the thing that ruins my life. I CHOSE to let the ever-so-painful process of healing, begin. Because that guy, who in a few hours took so much from me, WOULD NOT get to keep any of it. It’s MY life, NOT his.

The process was not, has not been, and is not easy. This is one of the hardest things I have had to try to figure out how to live and work through. I don't like going to counseling because I have to talk about it and heal every piece; I don’t like meeting with detectives and other officials because part of me is still having a hard time accepting everything that happened, and it is SO UNCOMFORTABLE. 

MY TESTIMONY:

But then I’m reminded who walks beside me. 

My Savior - who suffered everything for me and knows perfectly what I’m facing. He went through unfathomable pain so He could understand me and save me.

My Father in Heaven - who anxiously waits for me to pray and talk to Him so He can help heal me.

My family - who loves me and who wants the best for me.

My friends - who have always rallied around me, but do so even more now; their love is felt.

My co-workers - who have been and are more supportive than I ever dreamed co-workers could be; their love, I can also feel.

My “support team” - like my counselor and the detective on my case. Their training and professional life are helping me heal in ways that I otherwise could not.

GRATEFUL. 

A total understatement, but it’s the best description I have.

MY PRAYER, HOPE, AND INVITATION:
    I don’t share this for people to feel bad for me or for sympathy of any kind. I’m sharing my story because I’ve been told there’s power in that; of all people, I should understand that. I’ve always been really fascinated with people’s stories. 

    While serving a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in Oklahoma, that was one of my favorite questions to ask people, “so, what’s your story?” 

    EVERY person on the planet, no matter their age, race, gender, religious background, culture, etc., HAS A STORY and probably more than one! EVERY PERSON. All 7.7 billion people on this planet have a story. Think about that. Think about the magnitude of emotion, wisdom, trauma, joy, and experience that is! 

    It would take several lifetimes to get through all of our stories; but we all have a tribe of loved ones we can start with. From there, we can reach beyond that. There are people who we meet in transit, people who we see at the grocery store, strangers, neighbors, SO MANY PEOPLE. 

TAKE THE DANG TIME. 

    God sent us here to meet each other, to love each other, to teach each other and learn from each other. He sent us to grow, to change, to expand our knowledge. He sent us to live, to love, to experience, to feel, to think, to create, to breathe, to seek, to be. He didn’t want us to have life-changing experiences and never share them. He doesn’t want us to sit back and watch as other people struggle too. He wants us to reach out, to lift, to encourage, to relate, to CONNECT. 

WHAT IS YOUR TRAUMA TO TESTIMONY?

   Trauma to me is any event or experience that you go through, that disturbs your heart, mind, and/or soul. It’s emotional shock and/or pain. You may have a different definition, and that is okay! I want to know what it is; share it with me!

   Testimony to me is a statement that holds personal truth and power. It’s a statement of belief and knowledge based on your experience. Now, you can take this in a religious aspect (which for me is quite literally what brought me through my experience) or you can take it more general. A testimony is what gives you the strength to keep going; it’s what you know to be true because of what you’ve been through! 

   So this is it, trauma to testimony. Take whatever situation or trauma you have been given, no matter how “big” or how “small” it is, and turn it into a testimony.

GROW. GET STRONGER. SHARE. INVITE. CONNECT.

I’m inviting all of you to share your experiences with others as you feel prompted to do so. If you need or want someone to talk to, I'm here. You can message me on social media or click my email in the contact button!

Your stories are inspiring! You can share them and in the process help others to find their own strength to walk their personal path from 

TRAUMA TO TESTIMONY. 

__________________________________________________________   

TODAY: NOVEMBER 6, 2020

    The thing is, I wrote this post a little less than a year ago. But, today is one year since enduring a trial I never thought I would. Today is one year since the last things I said in-person to that person was my testimony of my Savior. I KNOW the Holy Ghost was holding onto me as I looked at this guy and I told him that he could say or do anything to me, but he will have to answer to someone far more powerful and that it will not make me believe anything other than what I do. I told him I love my Savior and I know that I'm a part of His true gospel and that He loves me too. I bore my testimony with tears and words that did not come from my own strength. I don't know why that's what came from my mouth, but I'm grateful every single day that is was. 

    I'm blessed enough to have a Heavenly Father that listened when a few weeks after this trauma, I told Him that He was now in charge of my dating life because I couldn't do it anymore. He sent me the most loving, caring, beautiful soul to walk through the rest of eternity with! Troy lets me cry when flashbacks come. He holds me and reassures me that everything will be okay and tells me that he loves me and I know he means it. I'm so blessed to have a husband that is so patient with the pain I'm still working through and that he is now working through with me. 

    

    The Lord has blessed me with more than I could have ever dreamed and I know He loves me. I'm grateful to be here. I'm grateful that Heavenly Father can't take away all of our storms but that He comes to our aid during them; because if He only showed us the sunshine, we'd never be grateful for the warmth and beauty it brings and we'd never seek for it when it's gone. 

Look Up and Look Forward

I learned a valuable lesson the other day. 

I was coming home from a rather difficult day of work; my emotions were all over the place, I was tired, and I was just ready to be home with my husband (and have someone to listen to my "woes"). 

I finally arrived at home, gathered my things from my car, and walked up to our apartment door with my head hanging down and my arms heavy with things. I barely looked up enough to see the door handle. I went in, set my things down, walked back out to the car, grabbed a box and went back inside, all with my head down. I closed the door, set down my box and walked over to my husband. 

He gave me a kiss and walked over to the door and said, "did you see it?" in a quiet voice. 

"See what?" I asked.

He opened the door to show me what he had placed on the exterior, only inches above the handle that I had barely lifted my eyes to see:

I had missed it. COMPLETELY missed what he so lovingly placed for me to see when I got home. 

I tell you what... my heart broke into a million pieces. 

He started to take it down but I asked him to put it back up so I could take a picture. One, because I wanted to remember the sweet thing that he had done for me, and two, because I wanted to remember the lesson I learned in that very moment - look up and look forward. 

I learned that we need to try our best to be positive, focus on the blessings and the good things that happened in our day. We need to look forward and realize that our trials are "but a small moment" in the grand scheme of things. We need to look up and acknowledge that we are not the one in charge. 

The truth is, work and daily life will take a toll on all of us at some point, but if we can't learn to let go of some of those things before coming home at night, we may just miss the most important things and the most important moments.

I understand that not everyone has a good home life to come home to, nor do we all have jobs we are lucky enough to go to and come home stressed from. BUT, we all have reasons to look up. We all have good to focus on. We ALL have a loving Heavenly Father who KNOWS us, who LOVES us, who NEEDS us to focus on him and to look up, even when it feels impossible. 

He needs our hearts, He needs our willingness, He needs to know we trust in Him. He wants to bless us, provide for us, protect us, and help us become more tomorrow than we were today. 

Choose to look up, to look beyond your selfish desires, to get outside yourself and serve others. Choose to look past the trials you are now facing and realize how much you are blessed and how much the Lord blesses you each and every day. Because HE DOES. 

In 2007, President Henry B. Eyring shared, in a General Conference address, "find ways to recognize and remember God's kindness. It will build our testimonies. You may not keep a journal. You may not share whatever record you keep with those you love and serve. But you and they will be blessed as you remember what the Lord has done. You remember that song we sometimes sing: "Count your many blessings; name them one by one, And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.""

I need to be better at that and I need to be better at making sure I don't miss the kind services my sweet husband does for me. He is a blessing from the Lord. He is an answer to my prayers. I'm so grateful I married someone so kind and generous who teaches me how important that is, every day. 

From 2019 to COVID-19

Well if this isn't one for the books. 

The last year hasn't gone exactly as I had planned it. It's been a roller coaster ride to say the least. But, I'm grateful for every part of the journey so far and I'm excited for the future! 

Let me start with 2019. This is a year, though not free from trial, has blessed my life immensely! I had the opportunity to go to Texas and spend time with my cute cousins who seemed to make the sun shine a little brighter! Even when I was exhausted at the end of the day, I missed them when they went to bed. In that same trip, I was able to go back to Oklahoma for a few short days. It was NOT long enough, that's for sure. I miss that place and my family there more than words can describe!

When I got home, I moved out for the first time since returning from my mission; it was nice to feel that sense of independence again. Being on my own has always been a healing opportunity for me. I moved into a small apartment with girls I didn't know previously, and started working on becoming a better me. 

During that time, I met a lifelong friend. He had been in my life for almost a year at that point, but we hadn't ever met. The time we spent together played a huge role in my healing and becoming process. His friendship is valuable to me in many ways that don't have adequate words for describing. Sometimes, God places people in your life and those people become treasures. He asks us to minister to our friends and neighbors that he puts in our path, and that's what a lot of our friendship was and is. I'm forever grateful for this piece of my path. 

Toward the end of 2019, I moved into a new place with my co-worker and now, one of my cherished friends, Dorsh. She has been a light and pick-me-up in some of the harder times that I've faced. I'm grateful for the time I've had to be her roommate and to have such a great friend around me!

In November, I faced one of the most difficult moments I ever have. I still harbor some of the darkness, though I wish I didn't. This moment, if I choose to share, will be another post on it's own. For now, just know it was something that pushed me to my knees and allowed me an opportunity to plead with my Heavenly Father like I never have before. 

I never expected what came next, to happen to me. I never thought in that dark time, a light would appear that would change everything, but it did. A friend I met back in Oklahoma while serving my mission, had just returned from his mission in California. Troy and I briefly knew each other in Oklahoma, but had exchanged emails. We wrote back and forth every so often on our missions.

We began talking. For a few months we texted and FaceTimed, until his journey led him to Utah. Troy is originally from Pennsylvania but got a job here and decided to make the cross country move. He also came out here for some girl... which he never mentioned to me until later... haha!! ME. I'm some girl. 

Ever since he's been here, we have been close to inseparable. Our first few weeks together, I was amazed to learn how caring, giving, and selfless his character is. We had gone one some dates and spent a lot of time talking, but then I went up to northern Utah to visit my Grandpa in the hospital. I had a prompting to go a week and a half before I planned to. I'm glad I did, because Grandpa passed away a few days after I got there. That time with him is a precious memory to me. 

The night Grandpa passed away, Troy rode the shuttle up and drove me back home the next day so I wouldn't have to be alone. Then he went back up to be at the funeral with me and met my dad's whole family. That was such a kind thing of him to do and I'm forever grateful. 

The next week following the funeral is when the panic surrounding COVID-19 began to happen. Things began shutting down and many things became restricted. I'm grateful for the timeline of the months and weeks prior to this. They allowed us to gather as a family for my Grandpa and they allowed me to spend time with Troy and begin my relationship with him.

The beginning of our dating life was "normal"; but, when COVID-19 hit, our dating life became a series of drives, Fizz drink runs, food, card games, and movies. We haven't really been able to go out like normal, but we have had a good chance to learn what it's like to be stuck inside together for hours on end! Haha! And I guess we don't mind it because now we are engaged! 

Planning a "wedding" has been an interesting experience. COVID-19 had definitely added to my stress and caused me a lot of heartache during this time. Our wedding experience will be different and eventually, when temples reopen, we will be sealed. But for now, we are planning a small wedding with us, my Bishop, and our witnesses. CRAZY! I'm going to post Our Story so check that out if you want to know more! :) 

COVID-19 has been one of the craziest experiences I have had in my life so far. There's a literal toilet paper shortage, cleaning supplies is gone from the store shelves, temples of the Church are closed, we can't attend church, I work from home, I haven't been able to go see my family up north for a few months, schools are closed, restaurants are closed, we have to stay six feet apart from everyone, and though it seems there may be normalcy in the next few weeks, I think our normal is going to be different than it was before. 

The world is being prepared for the Second Coming of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. It is being cleansed by plague and natural disaster. God is begging us to turn to Him. We are being given time with our families that the world has previously taken us away from. We are learning to build up our homes as safe havens. We are learning to grow in patience with one another and become best friends with our household again. We are being reminded of the small and simple things. 

churchofjesuschrist.org

So yes, there is fear in COVID-19 and the other natural disasters that are happening, but there is so much growth that we can experience in a time like this. 

I never expected to have a year quite like this. I never expected to have so much joy and heartache in such a short amount of time. I never thought I would be facing a pandemic such as this, in my early 20's. I didn't think I would be engaged in the middle of it either! I never thought I could have such wonderful people enter my life in such a short span. I never thought both 2019 and COVID-19 would be such blessings and trials in my life, but I'm so grateful they have been. 

Our Story

Our story may not be anything grand, but it's a beautiful story because it's ours.

At the end of 2019, I experienced a dark trial that took me to my knees in tears and in pleading. I know, that because I turned to my Heavenly Father, I was able to overcome that trial and I know that out of darkness, He made light.

In one of those pleadings with my Father in Heaven, about a month after this difficult trial, I cried with an open and a broken heart. I let Him know that I couldn't do this life alone anymore. I didn't just want to find my husband anymore, I needed to. But I also shared with my Heavenly Father that I knew this process was impossible without His help. 

Our First Picture Together
(June 2017 - Pawhuska, OK)

A few weeks later, in December, I began talking to an old friend who had just returned from his mission. We met in Oklahoma while he was working and I was on my mission. Our time knowing each other was brief, but we exchanged emails so my companion and I could hear about his next adventure as he moved to Utah. Obviously, that journey eventually led him to serve a full-time mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. 

One of Our FaceTime Calls

So, now he was home. We began talking. For me, it was just as friends. I liked getting to know him better and hearing about his mission. After texting almost daily for a while, we started FaceTiming each other too. After about a month of talking, I remember one specific FaceTime call where I looked at him and suddenly I felt something I hadn't ever felt before. It was the feeling of butterflies in my tummy, but also a very distinct calm. Fortunately, he felt that too! I'm pretty convinced he had that feeling long before I did, but that he just didn't share that with me. Haha! 

Fast forward another month. Troy moves to Utah from Pennsylvania. I was really excited and nervous for him to get here! He moved out here for a job (and later he told me for some girl (me)... haha). The day he got here, he stopped at my house and ate dinner with my roommate and I AND went to institute with me. What a trooper! Six days of travel and that's what he did with his first few hours in Utah.

That same week, he drove back down to St. George from Cedar City to study Come Follow Me with me and my family. He stayed for a while afterward and we watched The Emperor's New Groove. Being with him was a different feeling than I had felt before; it was a peaceful, "whole" feeling and I enjoyed that. It brought me comfort. I quickly realized that Troy could be an answer to my prayer said months before.

Our First Official Date
February 2020 - Zion National Park

On February 14, 2020 just a few days later, we went on our first official date. I drove to Cedar to pick him up, and then we took a long scenic drive on HWY 14 and through Zion and back to St. George. Then, we went to pick up Panda Express and went back to my place and watched Kronk's New Groove (I like these movies okay... haha)!

To be honest, from that day forward, we have been pretty inseparable. We have spent almost every weekend together and have been lucky to do so. Because of his job, where he works by himself in the middle of nowhere, and with me working at home, we have that luxury of spending our weekends together with minimal COVID-19 risk. 

On February 22, 2020, after a long day of talking and getting to know the deepest parts of one another's hearts, we added labels to our relationship. On that day, I told Troy I would be his girlfriend, but only if we could continue to walk through our difficult things together, and allow the Savior's healing power to mend our broken hearts and help us grow together. That has been one of the harder things for us to do as a couple, but we are making it, day by day. 

It wasn't long after that, that we both started to receive promptings and feelings about marriage. For me, it was SCARY AS HECK. It was fast, and soon, but the promptings were undeniable. I knew that Heavenly Father was perfectly okay with Troy and I making that decision. We talked about it and it became very real! The more excited I got, the more nervous I got! 

On March 21, 2020, without telling anyone, we went to a few pawn shops and found my ring. Then we went to a jewelry store and ended up finding his! Thanks to COVID-19, we still don't have his, but fingers crossed that the store opens up soon so we can pick it up! Haha! 

Engagement Announcement Picture
March 29, 2020 - St. George, Utah

One week later, on March 28, 2020, we celebrated my birthday COVID-19 style. Troy painted my nails which was so sweet of him! Then we got a call saying my ring was back from being sized so we went to pick it up, went for a nice drive, and then sat at a park for a while. We took pictures there too! We had originally planned to spend my birthday up north and to also talk to my dad about our plans, but... traveling wasn't safe anymore. So we called my dad instead. He was supportive of our plan, though he wished he could have had the chance to get to know Troy better; that time will come. 

That night, we had Texas Roadhouse takeout and then we drove up to a spot above St. George where we could see over the city and mainly the temple. We talked for a while and Troy told me how grateful he is for me and told me he wants me to be in his life forever - and then he asked me to marry him! I again experienced that "whole" feeling and of course said, "yes!" 

We surprised our families by telling them all the next day. We spent almost our entire day making calls to tell our families! Most of them were really surprised but they all seemed supportive and excited!

Family Zoom Call
April 12, 2020 - Easter Sunday

Because Troy's family is all out east, we were able to do a family Zoom call so I could get to know them! That was a lot of fun! I'm SO excited to meet all of them in person. They seem like such a fun, loving, talented family. I'm grateful that soon enough, I will get to be a part of that! 

Troy and I have picked June 6, 2020 as our date for our civil marriage. We are hopeful that later this year, or whenever travel is safe, we will be able to be sealed in the Payson, Utah temple with his family and mine together. We are also excited to coordinate smaller friend and family events to involve those we love in celebrating our marriage. We are excited to begin our life together and excited for the future! Though we know challenges will come, we know we can make it with the Lord on our side.

Troy has already seen me through so many emotions and I've never felt him back away, if anything, he's been there for me more. He's been through the loss of my Grandpa with me, he's met my family, he's seen me break down for personal reasons and over the losses that my friend's have faced in their lives (because I feel emotion of those I love, deeply). He's seen a small portion of laugh attacks that make me almost pee my pants, he's seen me be goofy and weird and also quiet and calm. He's seen me get overly passionate and also angry. And he has seen how stubborn I can be! Through all of this, he's stood with me. 

I've never been able to open up to anyone 100%, but with Troy, that was so easy. He knows everything, from the darkness to the lightest light, about me. His love has always been compassionate, understanding, pure, and strong. He never judges me (at least not out loud) and reminds me CONSTANTLY that I have a Savior who has not and will not ever give up on me. 

Troy balances me out. He loves God and his Savior before he loves me and that is ALL I have EVER wanted. Him doing so, allows him to love me in ways that might otherwise be difficult. 

So yeah, it's been a quick process and we are still coming to know one another and learning how to be a couple, but it's working and it's good. They always say, "when you know, you know" and that has been VERY true (and also scary) for us! 

Starting our lives together in the middle of COVID-19 is a whole new experience, but we are taking things a day at a time. Sometimes my stress level goes through the roof, but he always seems to bring me back down. It's hard not to be able to have our families physically around, but we know it's the safest option for now. We have the eternities to celebrate the joys of this life and the next, together. 

April 19, 2020 - St. George, Utah

But God, Why Me?

Do not tell me that you have never looked up in frustration and asked God, "Why me?" We have all had this moment, even if it was brief.

We all face trails and we all go through things that make us wonder why it's happening to us or why it's happening at all. 

One of the first times I ever remember thinking that was when my parents decided to get a divorce and during the events that lead up to it.

During the next two years, there was the divorce, the passing of my sweet cousin who was only ten and the passing of both of my great-grandmothers who I was close to. I pushed God out. I didn't want someone around who would say they love me but cause such suffering.

And it just kept happening.

• I had loved ones define me as weak because I was mourning those recent events. "God, why do you let them say that to me?"

• Going into Jr. High I lost all of my friends and had to start over. "God, why me?"

• I had friends throughout the years that betrayed me and really hurt me. "God, WHY me?"

• I had family members spread rumors about me and that caused total heartache and loss of confidence in myself and trust in others. "God... why me?"

• I had a boyfriend whose pornography addiction made me feel like I was worthless and not enough. "God, why would you let me be in this situation?"

• I have a few loved ones who were/are fighting addiction and I've often fell victim to their substance influenced behaviors. "God, why me? Have I not been through enough?"

• My mother and other loved ones have battled cancer, which is an evil unlike any other I have seen, and I could only stand by and watch. "God, why me and my loved ones?"

I could keep my list going, I could tell you far more intimate moments where I wanted to yell at God - and sometimes, I did. I could keep listing the unfair moments in life and the earth shattering heartbreak we ALL feel from time to time, but you get it. 

LIFE IS HARD AND LIFE IS UNFAIR.

Nowhere in the Manual of Life does it say, "kick your feet up, this will be the easiest thing you ever do" because it's NOT and it won't be. Life is tricky and unbalanced. It's unpredictable and challenging. It will push you until you feel like you just can't take it anymore. And yes, it will still give you sweetness but that never seems to last as long as we'd like. 

Fortunately, I’ve learned some valuable lessons along the way that I share with others every chance I get! Right now, I’ll just share a few.

First, everyone was given the gift of agency - the power to choose. So when I get hurt by others, that’s not God’s doing. He doesn’t entice others to hurt me, they make that decision on their own. This being said, it’s okay to let people go and move forward without them, EVEN when it’s a close friend or relative.

Second, God created man that they might have joy. He allowed us to come to Earth to experience pain so that we might know His eternal joy. 

Third, our trials often allow us to be able to fulfill the covenant we made to "mourn with those that mourn... and comfort those that stand in need of comfort..." (Mosiah 18)

And fourth, He sacrificed His Only Begotten Son so that we could return home to Him, be healed and have EVERY pain we EVER feel, swallowed up by Christ's victory.  

This is again where I ask, “But God, why me?”

God, why would you sacrifice your Only Son to save me? I’m mortal and FAR from perfect. I make mistakes daily!

Why would Jesus Christ suffer more than ANY man can experience, just so that I could live with Him and our Father again?

Why God, would such a selfless act and plan be prepared for a selfish person like me?

I cannot even BEGIN to comprehend the magnitude of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I cannot understand the love that my Heavenly Father and my Brother must have for me to do what they have done. During a testimony from a peer it was said, “The Savior did not perform the Atonement because we deserve it, He performed it because He loves us.”

THAT my friends, is it. HE LOVES US. 

artwork from history.lds.org

So when you go through a trial and you’re asking God, “Why me?” Listen and watch closely as He tells you and shows you the eternal love He has for you.

Looking back, I had to face the trials I did and I still have to face trials now if I really want to become the person God intends for me to be.

• The loved ones that defined me as weak, well they had/have trials of their own and things they had/have not coped with.

• I lost all my friends prior to Jr. High but then when it happened to me twice more, I handled it much better. And truly, each group of friends has taught me some really valuable lessons and now… well now I have friends that are family and THAT’S an amazing blessing to have.

• Though I had friends betray me, I was able to learn lessons that I needed for growth, from each one.

• Even though I had family members act in ways that caused me to lose confidence in myself and trust in others, when I turned back to God I found that confidence and trust almost immediately.  

• Though a boyfriend with a pornography addiction greatly effected my life, I’m being taught daily by my Heavenly Father that my worth comes from Him. I’m learning that what He thinks of me is FAR more important than what anyone else thinks of me and that I AM ENOUGH.

• I have capabilities to love addicts even when they hurt me. Over the last few years, this gift has matured and strengthened me. I’ve learned that I have compassion beyond belief for those struggling with addiction and that it’s just easy for me to love them. That is something that I really love about my personality; even when others worry it’s a weakness… I’m confident it’s a strength!

• Even though cancer and illness is a mortal evil, my eternal perspective and the knowledge of the Atonement has made each trial slightly easier to bear.

These changes in me, these lessons learned, have only been possible because of the healing and teaching powers of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. 

This Atonement allows us to become better people than we have been. It allows us to change and repent DAILY. It allows peace, comfort, healing and blessings to flow into our lives. It allows us to reach our divine potential and overcome barriers that keep us from an exalted eternal life. 

Some days I still ask, “God, why me? How am I possibly worth the suffering the Savior endured?” But I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that HE LOVES ME and HE LOVES YOU. And I know, He would do it again if He was asked to.

Please do not underestimate the power of Jesus Christ in your life. He loves you. He sacrificed His life for you. He needs you on His team. He will ALWAYS beg and plead for you to come unto Him. He will be your Advocate with the Father. So please, LET HIM.